My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
