She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
