At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
