I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
