maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
