Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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