It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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