i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You smell like stripper and shame
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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