Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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