Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
