Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
