she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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