I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
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who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
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Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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