anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
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High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
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2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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