Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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