i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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