I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
