His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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