I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
