Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
