am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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