when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
