He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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