she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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