She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
4 words: hood of his car
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Is it penis luge time yet?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
