you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
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he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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