I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
