I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.