i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
