tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
