I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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