Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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