took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
