Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Acid is not a monday night drug
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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