Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
