no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
