one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
