I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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