Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
