OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
