I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
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Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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