I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
