i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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