So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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