i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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