Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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