Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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