I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
