There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
