he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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