My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
