now i know why i became what i already was.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
