I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just want nice things and good sex
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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