I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
