Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
