My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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